Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Buzz Kills

Being an ardent fan of Scott Adams, I was disowned by some of my close friends when I chose to get into the dirty business of management – these fellows even labeled me as a hypocrite. Well, I believe that I have paid my dues to them – and to myself too – by being utterly unhappy and generally moping around in life since I entered the apparently hallowed portals of a highly-regarded institute.

The cynicism and depression notwithstanding, I cannot deny the fact that I actually did get to learn a lot (sometimes, at the cost of healthy doses of common sense) during the two years that I drifted naked through the masquerade. And over the past few years, as I have grown progressively immature and balder, one thing I have come to notice is that the people who have really, honestly and passionately wanted to go to a good B-school, but have never been able to fulfill this desire (mainly due to huge possibility of them being retarded), invariably end up using all the bleddy amazing managerial buzz-words which are such a buzz-kill that one is forced to one’s knees, begging such creatures to just buzz-the-eff-off, or to use a buzz-saw to good effect!

I have been in the wonderful company of such blessed items over the past few months. It has been a single-most excruciatingly irritating experience at times – more so during meetings, where I get to hear some pearls of wisdom that drop with the sweet sound of the echo that resonates in my head every time I imagine blowing my own head off with a sawed-off shotgun. It gets even more painful when they insist on speaking in the same holier-than-thou tone, disbursing their sense of shallow, pitiful idea of knowledge to one and all.

It so happened that one such critter happened to cross me on a day when it would have been better off hiding in the muck. It asked me for something while I was in the thick of something else (I don’t care if this sounds vague – this is my bloody rant and I’ll be as vague as I bloody want to be), and when I asked what the former something was about, it said that it wanted to “derive tangents”. This got me interested, as I honestly wanted to know if deriving tangents would lead to anything other than a straight line that “just touches” this aforementioned something. But I was told that I was out of my place in seeking this clarification. Hmmm…so, I utilized my hypothetical managerial knowledge to the full extent (meaning that I used this) to draft the following reply:

Dear Xxxxxx,
I have briefly aggregated a high-level view of the initiatives that I have been driving, and some of the initiatives that I wanted to get involved in. Some of the points have to be recontextualized and reengineered to ensure that they can be transformed into impactful schemas that can add strategic value for Xxxxx as an organization. I hope this complies with what you were looking for.

I also hope that, with your vision and understanding of the organization, you can help disintermediate the dynamics of the infrastructure and enable me to target paradigms of the ever-changing industry as a more effective marketing manager, and to help me enhance myself to utilize the entire bandwidth of my skills to be more impactful in the challenging environment that Xxxxx presents.

Ah! It felt good to have written that. It took effort to draft that, and I was pleased. But only till the realization that it actually made sense struck me! Damn! I’m trying to be one of them - using incomprehensible language to create a false sense of superiority! Aaaaaarggggghhhhh!


Tarun R said...

I see a long and successful career in your future.

Anonymous said...

lei fancy khan everyone knows what a sawed off no need 2 link 2 wikipedia

ASO said...

Ra - So do I. Wink wink.

Anon - Who ees the you who speaketh the tongue of the YennAiiTeeKay? Also, I was looking for a soundbite for the sawed off shotgun - didn't get it...so, put this. Ditch maadi.