Of Fumes

I still remember the first time I experienced the pleasure of the fumes. CJ and I were in our room in the second year when the fragrance wafted in. I think it was the EMW or some other useless paper scheduled for the next day. We were tensed. But as soon as we smelt it, we looked at each other and said "Dude! Full tension relief" or some such shit almost simultaneously. CJ's gone places and flown to new heights since that day. I got to smoke a whole cigarette only once after that...until today. It was on Om beach and Ooty was my tutor. Hated the taste, the acrid smoke, the feel of that stick made of plant extracts, the whole package basically. But what followed made me forget all that. Some dope rolled some green, and I was lost... Got a tight slap for the whole shitty affair. Thought that it would end there. Apparently not. Today, I went and bought me a cigarette and smoked it in my room. Just like that. Don't know why. Maybe I do, and don't want to speak it out loud, fearing that it might turn into reality, knowing fully well that I thought about it only because I fully realize how real it is. I am afraid of what is real. I am afraid to move on. The cigarette still tastes bad though. Some things never change.

Avoidance

I'm a pusher. I keep pushing everyone away. Not all the time. I do "connect" with a few, pour my guts or heart or whatever internal organ you can picture...out, expecting that because they are my friends, they would see me through all the shit I'm in and will be wading in for a long long time. But then, nothing happens. I mean, they do hear me out...I'm fucking huge for God's sake! Over 85kg and decently tall. Maybe they are intimidated and think that i would smash them if they don't listen to the cheesy nonsense that i spew out of the hugest orifice on my face. But then, they don't speak to me for 3 days at a stretch, and i start thinking that they are trying to avoid me. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. I wouldn't really know. I'm too fucking bad when it comes to judging people. I always think that everybody around me is a good person, with a good soul. I've been told time and again that I need to get out of that frame of mind. I haven't and don't think I ever will. I somehow like hanging onto the illusion that everybody is indeed very good. I think that's one of the bubbles of sanity I can almost indulge in. But even that dream's come to an end. I can trust noone now. Rather, I don't want to trust anyone. I sometimes hate everyone. Guess that's another way of saying that I hate myself all the time. I think that everyone hates me too. I surely know that a majority of people I know love to avoid me. Doesn't fucking matter. What pisses me off is that even GTalk seems to know about all this crap. Everytime I want to chat with someone and I move the mouse pointer over his/her name, they go offline. I know...I'm a fucking idiot. But then, who isn't?