Avoidance

I'm a pusher. I keep pushing everyone away. Not all the time. I do "connect" with a few, pour my guts or heart or whatever internal organ you can picture...out, expecting that because they are my friends, they would see me through all the shit I'm in and will be wading in for a long long time. But then, nothing happens. I mean, they do hear me out...I'm fucking huge for God's sake! Over 85kg and decently tall. Maybe they are intimidated and think that i would smash them if they don't listen to the cheesy nonsense that i spew out of the hugest orifice on my face. But then, they don't speak to me for 3 days at a stretch, and i start thinking that they are trying to avoid me. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. I wouldn't really know. I'm too fucking bad when it comes to judging people. I always think that everybody around me is a good person, with a good soul. I've been told time and again that I need to get out of that frame of mind. I haven't and don't think I ever will. I somehow like hanging onto the illusion that everybody is indeed very good. I think that's one of the bubbles of sanity I can almost indulge in. But even that dream's come to an end. I can trust noone now. Rather, I don't want to trust anyone. I sometimes hate everyone. Guess that's another way of saying that I hate myself all the time. I think that everyone hates me too. I surely know that a majority of people I know love to avoid me. Doesn't fucking matter. What pisses me off is that even GTalk seems to know about all this crap. Everytime I want to chat with someone and I move the mouse pointer over his/her name, they go offline. I know...I'm a fucking idiot. But then, who isn't?